I have never had loads of friends. At school I had a small group of friends, with loads of people of the perimeter. I mean I got on with everyone but I couldn't maintain more than 5 close friendships at a time.
People act like making and keeping friends is so easy. I wish I could do that! It's not even talking to people that I struggle with, it's once I have got that person in my grasp of being a friend I freak out. I can't text them, I struggle to talk to them.
I genuinely don't think anyone would want to spend time with me.
I know everyone says that but they have loads of friends! They should write on book on making friends I would read that book.
At the moment I have two friends. I see each of them about once a month. At some point in the past we have been the best of friends (I've even been on holiday with each of them!!) but I've deliberately let them drift away to a place I am comfortable with. I hate that I do that. I wish I could just text them and ask if they fancy a cuppa but even the thought of doing that makes me want to cry and be sick and I start to breath quicker than I should.
I think people think I am lazy in friendships; I don't text back because I can't be arsed; if I really wanted to do something I would text them; I continually cancel plans because I cba turning off my laptop.
This is so not true. I wish I could go out and laugh with friends without being continually, frantically worrying about what they are thinking of me.
'They obviously think I have put on weight, I knew I had.' 'Oh god they're looking at my skin it's horrid I have so many spots at the moment.' 'Why did I say that it was so stupid she knows her shoes are blue.' 'You're talking too much shut the fuck up.' 'Now it's too quiet say something say something' 'Not about the dog all you talk about is your stupid dog.' 'oh god everyone is looking at us.' 'They're all looking at her she is so pretty then there is me.' 'God I am such a lump' 'Who wants to be friends with a lump' 'I'm talking too much again.' 'What do I say back to her without mentioning anything about me'
It's horrible. I normally go home and have to have a little cry to release all of the stress.
I really tried not to make this self pitying but it hasn't worked. I guess I'm writing this because I haven't got a friend to talk to about it so I have to outpour it onto this blog. (God that sounded self pitying too! I promise I don't want pity!!)
Two years ago I was really depressed, and I lost most of my friendship group. Most of them didn't understand what it meant to be depressed and were quite hurtful. Once someone has upset me I write them off, which is the worst way to deal with something. Only one of those friends has managed to break down my walls and decided to give me a second chance. I love him for that. Although now I am doing my classic 'Oh no I can't text him! What would I say - I don't want to alright leave me alone!!!'. The situation is made more difficult because he has struck up a really close friendship with my sister. I have spent my life being told how amazing, pretty, easy going my sister is and it kind of sucks she has made a friend so easily. Especially with my friend.
She says he wants to see me I should just text him and that is the worst. I know he doesn't I can't just text someone. I need at least two weeks to mentally prepare myself!!
The three of us are going to Reading Festival in August. I am so terrified but I know if I can do that I can do anything.
I have told myself for the last two years that I am content with loneliness. I think I am starting to see that I'm not.
So, this is what I'm going to do:
- Text my 2 friends and see if they want to meet up sometime
- An old school friend who I have a lot of history with has got back in touch, I will not let this slip. I really want to meet up with her and I will if it gives me a hundred panic attacks.
- I will stop resenting my sister for being so vivacious.
- I will go to Reading and have a good time, dammit!
- I will go to Uni in September and I will make friends by any means necessary. I will talk to people in my flat; I will talk to people on my course; I will join clubs. I will spread my net far and wide to find a friend.
- I will stop bottling everything in and when I start to feel down again will talk to my mum about. Hopefully this will save another Friday morning, 8am breakdown O_o.
Woah what a list! It's a scary list but I'm really going to try!
Let's do this.
