Loneliness

I have never had loads of friends. At school I had a small group of friends, with loads of people of the perimeter. I mean I got on with everyone but I couldn't maintain more than 5 close friendships at a time. 

People act like making and keeping friends is so easy. I wish I could do that! It's not even talking to people that I struggle with, it's once I have got that person in my grasp of being a friend I freak out. I can't text them, I struggle to talk to them. 

I genuinely don't think anyone would want to spend time with me.

I know everyone says that but they have loads of friends! They should write on book on making friends I would read that book. 

At the moment I have two friends. I see each of them about once a month. At some point in the past we have been the best of friends (I've even been on holiday with each of them!!) but I've deliberately let them drift away to a place I am comfortable with. I hate that I do that. I wish I could just text them and ask if they fancy a cuppa but even the thought of doing that makes me want to cry and be sick and I start to breath quicker than I should.

I think people think I am lazy in friendships; I don't text back because I can't be arsed; if I really wanted to do something I would text them; I continually cancel plans because I cba turning off my laptop.

This is so not true. I wish I could go out and laugh with friends without being continually, frantically worrying about what they are thinking of me.

'They obviously think I have put on weight, I knew I had.' 'Oh god they're looking at my skin it's horrid I have so many spots at the moment.' 'Why did I say that it was so stupid she knows her shoes are blue.' 'You're talking too much shut the fuck up.' 'Now it's too quiet say something say something' 'Not about the dog all you talk about is your stupid dog.' 'oh god everyone is looking at us.' 'They're all looking at her she is so pretty then there is me.' 'God I am such a lump' 'Who wants to be friends with a lump' 'I'm talking too much again.' 'What do I say back to her without mentioning anything about me'

It's horrible. I normally go home and have to have a little cry to release all of the stress.

I really tried not to make this self pitying but it hasn't worked. I guess I'm writing this because I haven't got a friend to talk to about it so I have to outpour it onto this blog. (God that sounded self pitying too! I promise I don't want pity!!)

Two years ago I was really depressed, and I lost most of my friendship group. Most of them didn't understand what it meant to be depressed and were quite hurtful. Once someone has upset me I write them off, which is the worst way to deal with something. Only one of those friends has managed to break down my walls and decided to give me a second chance. I love him for that. Although now I am doing my classic 'Oh no I can't text him! What would I say - I don't want to alright leave me alone!!!'. The situation is made more difficult because he has struck up a really close friendship with my sister. I have spent my life being told how amazing, pretty, easy going my sister is and it kind of sucks she has made a friend so easily. Especially with my friend. 

She says he wants to see me I should just text him and that is the worst. I know he doesn't I can't just text someone. I need at least two weeks to mentally prepare myself!!

The three of us are going to Reading Festival in August. I am so terrified but I know if I can do that I can do anything. 

I have told myself for the last two years that I am content with loneliness. I think I am starting to see that I'm not. 

So, this is what I'm going to do:

1. Text my 2 friends and see if they want to meet up sometime
2. An old school friend who I have a lot of history with has got back in touch, I will not let this slip. I really want to meet up with her and I will if it gives me a hundred panic attacks.
3. I will stop resenting my sister for being so vivacious.
4. I will go to Reading and have a good time, dammit!
5. I will go to Uni in September and I will make friends by any means necessary. I will talk to people in my flat;  I will talk to people on my course; I will join clubs. I will spread my net far and wide to find a friend. 
6. I will stop bottling everything in and when I start to feel down again will talk to my mum about. Hopefully this will save another Friday morning, 8am breakdown O_o.

Woah what a list! It's a scary list but I'm really going to try!

Let's do this. 

OH MY GLOB!

OH MY GLOB! I totally made a Lumpy Space Princess iPad Mini cover thing!

I saw something similar on Etsy and they were charging £17!! I am in hefty saving mode cause I'm going to uni in September so I got crafty! 

It was really simple to make in the end and only took me about 2 and a half hours! I had to hand sew the whole thing but if you had a sewing machine it would take you no time at all!!

I bought 4 sheets of felt (2 purple, 1 black, 1 yellow) and 3 spools of thread in the same colour. All together it costs £6!! 

(I'm not totally happy with her left eyebrow but not bad for a first attempt!) I put a little pocket on the back for earphones. Ideally this would have been purple but I ran out of felt! :(

I am the least artistic person so if I can do it anyone can! 

HOORAY FOR DO IT YOURSELF! 

WHAT THE LUMP?!

ramble

So it's been a while. I guess I've just been a bit terrified to blog, not because I haven't got anything to say but because of what people would think if they saw it. I'm really, really introverted and have, in recent years, developed a bit of a social anxiety problem, which really sucks. I am trying to sort it out though. I don't think therapy is for me (at the moment at least) but maybe if I write here it might act like a kind of therapy? I don't know. I'm not really one to tell anyone my worries and problems and tend to let them bottle up inside of me until I get into a total state. It's not healthy at all. I'm going to treat this like a diary, I think. Somewhere I can spill my thoughts out and rave about TV shows, books and stuff.

I've taken the huge step (for me!) of applying to university again. I have chosen to study Psychology (if anywhere will take me!) because I am so interested in that topic and genuinely just want to learn more about it! I'm in the horrible stage at the moment between applying and getting a response. I have a feeling I'm not going to get in but at least I can ask for feedback and do what they advise, be it volunteer or a short course, and hopefully re-apply next year!

There is also loads of changes at my work at well. I'm actually welcoming them with open arms as I think it could be the best thing for me to have a little change! I am so close to finishing my HR college course, I have one more unit to do and I'm done! I found the course a huge challenge as I am so not comfortable with new people (people in general) but I did it and I'm really pleased I did! I made some good relationships so I've kind of proven to myself that I can do it if I have to!

I've become obsessed with Netflix which I need to sort out. I'm currently half way though Dexter and Heroes and I'm totally planning to start American Horror Story (kind of terrified though) this weekend. I also have Game of Thrones and Deathnote to finish. Don't even mention RuPaul to me because I will talk Drag all day if I could. I've become re-obsessed with Sherlock after series 3 (and Benedict Cumberbatch obviously) and I'm still not over Star Trek into Darkness and Zachary Quinto's Spock (kind of obsessed with Zachary Quinto at the moment, why isn't he my bestie?!) and I've become enthrolled with Flappy Bird. Currently sitting on a best score of 34 and I'm genuinely considering putting it on my CV I'm so proud of that score.

I've also re-stocked my bookcase with loads of good books to read! John Green back catalogue, some Maureen Johnson, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and some Sherlock Holmes as well! Got a lot to read. So. Excited.

I've still been baking like a loon. This week I made a birthday cake for my friend at work. She is a fan of the Red Velvet Cupcakes that I have made a few times so, obviously, I got totally carried away and made a 3 tier Red Velvet Birthday cake...! On the subject of baking, we are getting a brand new kitchen in a few weeks which excites me hugely! It's going to take over a week to install so I have to take Oscar to work. He is kind of annoying but I loves him so I don't mind (too much).

I'm are going to London at the end of February to visit my family and I am so excited! I feel so comfortable and happy in London (it feels like a second home) and can't wait to go back! There is also plans to go to New York in June which is SO exciting! I have never traveled further than Northern France (and we always traveled via ferry) so I am excited to experience the whole getting on a plane, staying in a hotel and getting to explore a brand new city thing!


My sister is in Aberdeen doing art at university. She is one of my most favourite people in the world and we are so close. I miss her lots but we are going to go and visit in February and I can't wait! 

I think that is every update I can think of. Slightly random but I am easing myself back in! February is gearing up to be a mammoth month! Kitchen, Aberdeen and London! As I say this is just a way for me to talk really. I tend to keep myself to myself but I do have a lot of opinions and obsessions so this is the only way I can think of to channel my excitement into something productive! 

I've totally forgotten how much I love to write/ramble!

Hello!

There has been a bit of a change here on the old blog!

The name I had previously (NailPaintAndLipstick) was a bit naff and I felt really restricted with what I could write. I found myself wanting to blog about a comedy show I went to see, or a tasty cake I made or a great book but couldn't because I had made my blog exclusively beauty.

So I did some thinking and have made some changes. I have renamed my little bit of the internet The Moo Life. Not the best name but everyone calls me Moo so it seemed fitting. 

I want my blog to be a place where I can just note my thoughts, express my views and get excited about something. Whether that be Nail Polish, the new Star Trek film (seriously though..Spock?! Hottie), an amazing cook book, a great day out or how much I will miss my sister when she goes away to uni. 

I guess is the last few months I have kind of found my feet and got to know what I want this place to be. I've built confidence writing about beauty products (and I still love them a LOT!) but I want to open myself up creatively. I'm not (and have never been) particularity creative but this is my little getaway where I can just chat. 

I don't know where this little venture will go but I am very excited  to see.

30 Day Snap #30 (The Last Day!)

I've missed a couple of days but today is the last one! I've actually found it easier than I thought although this month seems to have gone really slow!

It's me and my little cousin William looking pretty sleepy after a long day of playing! 

****I'm taking part in the 30 day snap idea of Sprinkle of Glitter****

30 Day Snap #27

I missed another day!! I was doing so well! 

Anyway, today I went to the portrait gallery with my auntie and cousin Kit (Felix was at school we didn't leave him at home!!). I really enjoyed it, I think portraits are my favourite form of art. 

We then went to Jamie Oliver's pop up diner which is just off Piccadilly Circus and it was so tasty! It is all themed around dinosaurs and Kit loved it! If you are in the area definitely go! The staff were lovely and the food was amazing! 

****I'm taking part in 30 Day Snap from Sprinkle of Glitter****

30 Day Snap #25

First up I missed yesterday cause I was travelling all day the most exciting thing that happened was a burger for tea. 

Second off all this might be slightly random for today's one but William (my 3 year old cousin) was chatting to me as I did my make up. He was asking lots of questions and picked up for eyelash curlers, looked at them in wonder and proclaimed 'they are the jaws of life!'

I'm going to London tomorrow! So excited! 

****I'm taking part in the 30 Day Snap idea of Sprinkle of Glitter****